Just needed to write; sorry that my paragraphs are messy

Almost everybody has this thing where they want to be different. Special. Significant. Everybody wants to be remembered. Everybody wants to be missed when they are not around. Like when your friends are hanging out and you couldn’t make it, you wish they would go, “Oh, I wish she was here. It would be so much more fun.” I want that. So much. I want to be the kind of friend nobody wants to lose and nobody will forget. I also take pride in how different I am. However, on some days I wish I wasn’t as different as everyone around me. As if people can never click with me completely because there are so many layers to me. I can’t seem to decide on one personality to act around specific people. Christ, I have more layers than a fucking onion. And I hate my mood swings. I fucking hate them. One minute I’m so, so happy, and the next, one small thing happens and I feel fucking worthless and I just want to stop existing. I want to stop being a slave to my sadness, and I want to stop being such an odd individual. Sure, being different is generally a good thing because at least you’re not boring, but look at how the interesting people turn out to be. Most of them become writers and poets. And they die miserably. Alone. I don’t want to end up like Charles Bukowski and Sylvia Plath (Although Plath did get married, she suffered from depression through most of her adult years). They were so trapped in their own minds that they forgot how to connect with the world outside.

Talking about sadness, there is only one reason which makes me sad these days. And that reason, unfortunately, is a person. Now you know what I’m talking about. No, I am not in love with this person, nor would I die for this person or want to end up with this person, but seeing him choosing someone else over me still hurts. Oh, by ‘choosing someone else over me’ does not mean that they’re dating, because they’re not. They’re close friends, like how I wish we could be. But we have never been compatible and every day feels more awkward than the day before. The fact that we used to closer than this is the reason behind my sadness. Where did I go wrong? I want back the friendship we once had, when no bullshit feelings were involved. I guess I was the one who ruined things.

Okay, I was not supposed to write that out to the internet, just in case anyone from my college finds this blog. That would be a disaster. I’m not the type of person to promote this site. I stopped doing that when I was like 14, when I realized that this is an outlet for me, and only the people I trust enough should be allowed into my head. So, I’m switching topics. I want my fears to stop restricting me from the things normal teenagers should be doing. I want to stop being that cowardly friend who stays outside waiting while the rest of her friends enter a scream park. I want to stop making everyone change their movie plans for me just because I wouldn’t go for Annabelle or Ouija. The thing is, I do not like being scared. I don’t see the point of it. My fear of the supernatural has come in between me and my friends when we hang out. I am missing out on opportunities and making memories. I want to stop missing out and stop being an outsider. How many years has this been going on? From secondary school all the way to college? My best friends are completely fine with this of course, but they can’t be with me all the way.

Anyway, this post is not going anywhere. I’m writing rubbish at midnight (It is actually way past midnight at my place). Funny, I always write rubbish. I guess the bottom line is, I just want to be happy and be satisfied with myself. To feel appreciated. Have people thank me for the love and attention I give them. I want to be enough. Enough for myself, for my family, and for the people around me.