Clear line

It's weird, I didn't feel the anger or sadness or frustration that I'm supposed to feel. In fact, I felt even better than before. Maybe because things are clear now. I'm not confused anymore. I finally know what's going on.

I'm officially out of your group. I was never in it in the very first place.

That day in the lab - I think it was physics lab - you guys tore a paper from your test pad and started writing and doodling. There were quotes, short sentences, all colourful. You used highlighters and normal pens and colour pens. Somewhere on the page you guys wrote: 'Anna, Ting, Lim, Sharmi, Prema, Dashini, Monica <3 The Great U.S <3' Then I realized it. My name was not there. I have been out of everything for a long time. I just didn't know that and kept hanging on to the past.

When I saw the paper, I was happy more than I was sad. Sad because I was never in a group with you guys. Happy because I have finally seen the clear line between us.

When I know that you guys will be going Lost World during the holidays, I was not sad either, eventhough I was not invited. I have accepted the fact that, when people want you somewhere, you will be called. When people don't want you somewhere, you just won't be called. Just don't stress yourself trying to give them hints that you wanted to be there so badly like I did. Sometimes people just don't feel the connection with you. It's not necessarily anyone's fault.

It doesn't matter whether I'm having a group or not, right? I have friends, that's what matters. When you're in trouble, I'll help you. When you're in love, I'll give you advices and bravery to speak the truth. When you're heartbroken, I'll try my best to give you strength and be there for you.

I still love you guys of course. Things might have changed, but our past was a beautiful one. I still remember the message Sharmi sent me after I wished her birthday this year. It made me shed tears. I still remember when Anna said:"I want you to hug me on my birthday." It made my heart speechless.

I have learnt to not take everything too seriously. I have learnt not to sulk over a small matter. I have learnt that there are many types of people, each different yet unique. Most importantly, I have learnt to let go.

We're still friends, and that's good enough for me. I don't have to be a part of you guys when I can watch from a distance. And you guys might be a group now, but I know that, occasionally, you guys will call me to hang out somewhere like how we used to be :)

Take care!

Trash

Please. I am not a doll. Stop treating me like that okay? All of you are picking me up and playing with me when you wanted to and left me in the trash can when you're done with me. Even a doll gets better treatments than that. I have feelings okay? I know it when you don't call me to go library with you guys. I know it when you guys go parade without me. I also know it when you guys go for swimming every Saturday and not invite me. And I don't even get a "Wish you were there!" message or a "Why weren't you there??" I have been putting up my hopes so high. Can I please stop knowing everything through Facebook? Even that day, for Anna's birthday, I know that I am probably the last person that you people call. You guys planned everything and asked me to go, not plan together with me. When has things change so much? And dear, you're not even talking to me properly in school, haven't you notice at all? You're still the same when I'm texting you but when we're face to face,you're a completely different person towards ME. I miss you.

And do you know how much I wanted to cry today? You guys bought the cake for teacher's day and dabbed icing on each other's face. Manishaa asked me to stay further away from the four of you and I told her:"I don't have to. They won't dirty my face." It turns out I was dead right. I don't even think you guys notice me. I don't even think you remember I'm in the same class with all of you. You guys were having so much fun having cake war while I was just standing at the corner, watching. Then I gave up hope and went inside the hall and sat.

I realized I have always been the one to start messaging. Have any of you started texting me first? I decided to test my theory, and I was right again. I didn't text any of you for the whole day just to see that if any of you would start the conversation first. Would think of me first. But for the whole day, my phone never vibrated. Never. I couldn't stand the loneliness so I texted DP for a moment. Thank you, darling.

Didn't you guys realized that I didn't sit with you during exam breaks? You all always gathered together in a group and I sat alone at my place. I did sat with you guys for a while, but soon I found out that I have no idea what you guys were talking about and I felt so lost. It's as if I'm a puzzle from another different box. In the end, I went back to my place, but none of you called me back to sit with you, so I slowly went to someone else.

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs."

I love and hate this piece of advice because it is so goddamn true. I made my mistake and hurt myself, so whoever you are, just don't repeat what I did, kay?

And guys, I am lonely you know? I'm finding for a cure, but I do miss those times we had together.

An ambition for myself - Finally :)

For years, I have never had a proper or fixed ambition. I used to be so crazy- wanting to be an actress. I know, I know, go laugh your heads off and come back =P Sometimes I also wanted to be a business woman. I wanted to open a gift shop, a really beautiful one like Lovely Lace. And I wanted to sell beautiful victorian-designed things :)

But then, I changed my mind now. I don't know why, and I've never even thought I wanted to be one before, but I changed. Guess what? A PSYCHOLOGIST.

It's basically the study of the human mind. Maybe that's what attracted me. To me, the most complex object in this universe is "THE HUMAN BRAIN". It's complicated yet simple at the same time. We make decisions people don't understand even though we know it's the right one. We just know. Sometimes you don't know what you're thinking, why you're thinking in such a way, why you're doing something, why you did it. Sometimes-wait, most of the time-I cry for no reason. I asked myself:"Why are you crying?" The only answer I can is:"I don't know." Sometimes when I ask myself:"What are you scared of?", I get back the exact same answer.

Sometimes we don't understand why certain people behave in certain ways. We always have our own hypothesis, but most of the time, their answers surprised us. A shocking truth. To be honest, I have always liked unexpected answers.

Now you know why I want to be a psychologist? I want to understand people. I want to translate body languages. But mostly, I want to understand my complicated self.

And man, I like the word "sometimes" :D PEACE!!

Too good to be new

My sister's right. So right. Kajel does stand out. And she's a new prefect. She is just simply so good at being one. You know, it makes me wonder why she hadn't applied in Form 1 in the first place. It makes me wonder more why I deserved to be one, compared to her. She is so different compared to the other prefects. The way she does her duties...it's just different. Everything comes so naturally to her. I'll be happy if I can be a prefect as good as half of her. Honest words :)

Let's celebrate!

Yeay! Tomorrow's Anna's birthday and we'll be going to parade to celebrate! Will be watching Rio too!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANNA!!!!

I LOVE YA SIS! <3

HAVE A BLAST!

A little too loud

Today we had another choir practice. The prefects had a camp the day before-on Saturday and Sunday-so most of them were really tired. Many of them went back including DP. Poor girl, she was sick. Naomi was here of course, she's always here. I think it was around 3:40 when it happened. Melissa fainted.

First I don't know what happened, but then people started calling her name. Some were running to her place, so I looked. She was on the floor, and Naomi was already there to lift her up. Naomi rested Melissa on her body and placed her head on her shoulder. Naomi was actually caressing Melissa as if she's her daughter. Or her baby sister. The whole scene was so sweet that I can't help it but smile. Naomi looked so worried and caring and yeah, the whole thing was kind of touching. I felt that if I'm in Melissa's place, I would feel so safe :) Dahneersha was beside me and I told her:"Aww...Naomi's so sweet...I wanna faint too." Then, NAOMI TURNED AROUND. She smiled (the senget smile) at us! Oh gosh, I was a bit too loud so yeah, that means she heard what I said! >.< THAT WAS EMBARRASSING!

Missing the weird things

I think something is going wrong with me.

I said this because I am missing the weird things. The wrong things. Things I am not supposed to miss cause I'm WAN JO YI. I DON'T miss these things.

Why the HELL am I missing being the president of the Geografi and Sejarah club in my school?

I was the one who was initially pushing the position away. I still remember that day clearly even though it has been more than a year. Pn. Rohayah asked me whether I have been a president before, and I answered no (which is the truth). Actually, Baldeep was supposed to be the president but teacher said no cause she was the head prefect. Pn. Rohayah asked me to be one. She wanted me to try but the thought of me being a president is just, well, not right. I can't be one. Me???ROFL...!! In the end I agreed though, for teacher's sake even though I know I can't be a good one. I know I'll suck at it and unfortunately, I was right.

My whole club was a mess. I don't know what to do and it was probably the worst club in the whole school, including morning session. It's such a disaster and the activities are well, insanely boring. I just don't have any talent in all these planning work. We didn't even have a farewell party in the end of the year cause they don't want it. At first, I am so glad the end of the year came cause I don't have to do anything anymore. Sadly, I changed my mind now.

If I can go back to the past, I swear I'll be a better president. I'll make sure my members have fun cause now I know how pathetic it is when you have to stay back and sit there doing nothing on a Wednesday. So, to my ex-members, I am truly very sorry for ruining the club. I am very sorry for being a lousy president. If I ever get another chance like this in the future, I promise I won't repeat my mistakes and I hope I can be a better leader.

One more thing I miss is when people thought I am responsible. Last time, my name was always suggested for positions. Well, mostly I pushed them away but sometimes I accept them. Now, things have changed. People don't suggest my name anymore for anything. Not even as an AJK. I don't have any positions this year, not in the class, not in the club, not in the games and not in unit beruniform. I felt kinda grateful because I wouldn't have much work to do but a part of me felt useless. People don't give me positions cause they don't trust me anymore. They think I can't do anything. That thought does hurt sometimes. Occasionally, I envy my friends who get lot of work. I know it sounds stupid, but...seeing all the seniors coming to her and asking her to do certain tasks seems cool. People give them work, so that means they trust her. She's always busy with tonnes of jobs, and all I do is sit and watch her. Sometimes I'll help her, thinking that if people can recognize my writing, they might, just might, think that I can do it too.

If I get selected for any position next year, I won't push it away. I realized that I'm lacking of experience. I'm gonna quit school soon. I'm running out of time and I can't repeat what I have done in the past.

This is something I promise to myself. I just hope I'll get a second chance.