Hit by realization

Few days ago, I asked DP whether she would be having a birthday party or not this year. I really wish she would, as this will be the first time I’m celebrating with her. I hope it’s not the last, but who knows? When she leave the school, what are the odds that I might see her again, right?

Anyway, she said no. When I asked her why, she said she’s “lazy to cut cake all”. Typical Malaysian English :P

It’s a very acceptable reason, since it was given by Dheephikha Kumaraguru, so I just let it go.

≈

All along, I knew that she’s very close with Sevita. Sevita is also my senior, but she’s one year elder than DP. She left the school last year. However, I don’t know that DP is that close with her until I read her old statuses on Facebook and also her posts on her blog.

There was one status of DP’s which said that Sevita’s her angel, just like how I call her as my angel. She means a lot to DP, and it’s really obvious. Her last post was during the few final days of school last year, and she blogged about how her school life is going to be next year. I know that by the end of this year, I will blog about the exact same thing. Only worse.

After Sevita left the school, she practically stopped blogging. Her post ended in October 2010.

≈

That day I called Sevita to ask her something. I can’t tell you what I asked her because this Dheephikha knows my blog address and she has been threatening me to tell her what I asked Sevi for many times :P Well, I was..amazed at how much Sevita knows about DP. It makes me embarrassed and left out. There are just so many things that I don’t know about her.

≈

Today I chatted with her on FB. I asked her: “How the hell did you cope when Sevita left you?” I wanted to know how, so that I’ll have some preparations for next year. She said that they still meet up once every week, in the temple maybe. But DP told me that Sevita will be leaving soon for her studies and well, she “don’t know lah”. I know it hurts a lot for her to type that out. It must be, since I feel the pain too when I’m the reader.

After reading her blog only I realized that DP don’t want to have a birthday party not because she’s “lazy to cut cake all”. She don’t want to celebrate her birthday without Sevita.

It’s just my guessing anyway. Maybe she has her own reasons. But still, I don’t think I would want to celebrate my birthday too if the one I loved and cared for the most will not be around.

Clear line

It's weird, I didn't feel the anger or sadness or frustration that I'm supposed to feel. In fact, I felt even better than before. Maybe because things are clear now. I'm not confused anymore. I finally know what's going on.

I'm officially out of your group. I was never in it in the very first place.

That day in the lab - I think it was physics lab - you guys tore a paper from your test pad and started writing and doodling. There were quotes, short sentences, all colourful. You used highlighters and normal pens and colour pens. Somewhere on the page you guys wrote: 'Anna, Ting, Lim, Sharmi, Prema, Dashini, Monica <3 The Great U.S <3' Then I realized it. My name was not there. I have been out of everything for a long time. I just didn't know that and kept hanging on to the past.

When I saw the paper, I was happy more than I was sad. Sad because I was never in a group with you guys. Happy because I have finally seen the clear line between us.

When I know that you guys will be going Lost World during the holidays, I was not sad either, eventhough I was not invited. I have accepted the fact that, when people want you somewhere, you will be called. When people don't want you somewhere, you just won't be called. Just don't stress yourself trying to give them hints that you wanted to be there so badly like I did. Sometimes people just don't feel the connection with you. It's not necessarily anyone's fault.

It doesn't matter whether I'm having a group or not, right? I have friends, that's what matters. When you're in trouble, I'll help you. When you're in love, I'll give you advices and bravery to speak the truth. When you're heartbroken, I'll try my best to give you strength and be there for you.

I still love you guys of course. Things might have changed, but our past was a beautiful one. I still remember the message Sharmi sent me after I wished her birthday this year. It made me shed tears. I still remember when Anna said:"I want you to hug me on my birthday." It made my heart speechless.

I have learnt to not take everything too seriously. I have learnt not to sulk over a small matter. I have learnt that there are many types of people, each different yet unique. Most importantly, I have learnt to let go.

We're still friends, and that's good enough for me. I don't have to be a part of you guys when I can watch from a distance. And you guys might be a group now, but I know that, occasionally, you guys will call me to hang out somewhere like how we used to be :)

Take care!

Trash

Please. I am not a doll. Stop treating me like that okay? All of you are picking me up and playing with me when you wanted to and left me in the trash can when you're done with me. Even a doll gets better treatments than that. I have feelings okay? I know it when you don't call me to go library with you guys. I know it when you guys go parade without me. I also know it when you guys go for swimming every Saturday and not invite me. And I don't even get a "Wish you were there!" message or a "Why weren't you there??" I have been putting up my hopes so high. Can I please stop knowing everything through Facebook? Even that day, for Anna's birthday, I know that I am probably the last person that you people call. You guys planned everything and asked me to go, not plan together with me. When has things change so much? And dear, you're not even talking to me properly in school, haven't you notice at all? You're still the same when I'm texting you but when we're face to face,you're a completely different person towards ME. I miss you.

And do you know how much I wanted to cry today? You guys bought the cake for teacher's day and dabbed icing on each other's face. Manishaa asked me to stay further away from the four of you and I told her:"I don't have to. They won't dirty my face." It turns out I was dead right. I don't even think you guys notice me. I don't even think you remember I'm in the same class with all of you. You guys were having so much fun having cake war while I was just standing at the corner, watching. Then I gave up hope and went inside the hall and sat.

I realized I have always been the one to start messaging. Have any of you started texting me first? I decided to test my theory, and I was right again. I didn't text any of you for the whole day just to see that if any of you would start the conversation first. Would think of me first. But for the whole day, my phone never vibrated. Never. I couldn't stand the loneliness so I texted DP for a moment. Thank you, darling.

Didn't you guys realized that I didn't sit with you during exam breaks? You all always gathered together in a group and I sat alone at my place. I did sat with you guys for a while, but soon I found out that I have no idea what you guys were talking about and I felt so lost. It's as if I'm a puzzle from another different box. In the end, I went back to my place, but none of you called me back to sit with you, so I slowly went to someone else.

"Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs."

I love and hate this piece of advice because it is so goddamn true. I made my mistake and hurt myself, so whoever you are, just don't repeat what I did, kay?

And guys, I am lonely you know? I'm finding for a cure, but I do miss those times we had together.

An ambition for myself - Finally :)

For years, I have never had a proper or fixed ambition. I used to be so crazy- wanting to be an actress. I know, I know, go laugh your heads off and come back =P Sometimes I also wanted to be a business woman. I wanted to open a gift shop, a really beautiful one like Lovely Lace. And I wanted to sell beautiful victorian-designed things :)

But then, I changed my mind now. I don't know why, and I've never even thought I wanted to be one before, but I changed. Guess what? A PSYCHOLOGIST.

It's basically the study of the human mind. Maybe that's what attracted me. To me, the most complex object in this universe is "THE HUMAN BRAIN". It's complicated yet simple at the same time. We make decisions people don't understand even though we know it's the right one. We just know. Sometimes you don't know what you're thinking, why you're thinking in such a way, why you're doing something, why you did it. Sometimes-wait, most of the time-I cry for no reason. I asked myself:"Why are you crying?" The only answer I can is:"I don't know." Sometimes when I ask myself:"What are you scared of?", I get back the exact same answer.

Sometimes we don't understand why certain people behave in certain ways. We always have our own hypothesis, but most of the time, their answers surprised us. A shocking truth. To be honest, I have always liked unexpected answers.

Now you know why I want to be a psychologist? I want to understand people. I want to translate body languages. But mostly, I want to understand my complicated self.

And man, I like the word "sometimes" :D PEACE!!

Too good to be new

My sister's right. So right. Kajel does stand out. And she's a new prefect. She is just simply so good at being one. You know, it makes me wonder why she hadn't applied in Form 1 in the first place. It makes me wonder more why I deserved to be one, compared to her. She is so different compared to the other prefects. The way she does her duties...it's just different. Everything comes so naturally to her. I'll be happy if I can be a prefect as good as half of her. Honest words :)