The teacher who unlocked my heart
By Wan Jo Yi
“Juli, come to mommy!”
I ran towards mommy. She held me up.
“See that? That’s a giraffe.” She smiled.
“Giwwaffe?”
Mommy laughed. “Alright, darling. It’s a giwwaffe then.”
Daddy laughed too. “Silly Lily. She’s still small, she won’t be able to remember names like this.” Then Daddy took me from Mommy. “Sweetie, look at our friend here. See, it has the same fur color as Mommy’s shirt.”
“James, is teasing me your hobby or something?” Mommy chuckled and poked Daddy.
“Awh come on, someone used to tell me that she loved me just the way I am.”
“Hmm? Not anymore then.” Mommy stuck her tongue out.
“Owh, really?”
“Positive.” Mommy smirked and crossed her arms.
All of a sudden Daddy put me down. “Juli, go play with the giraffes for a while, won’t you?”
“Okay, Daddy.” I was more than glad. I liked those giwwaffes.
Then Daddy turned to Mommy and stared right into her eyes.
Mommy laughed. “What now?”
Suddenly, Daddy hugged Mommy.
“Well, I don’t care. I’m not gonna let you go.”
Then Daddy kissed Mommy on her forehead.
“I love you, Lily.”
This time Mommy became speechless. Then she smiled. “I love you too, James.”
***
I woke up with a start. When I thought back about my dream, I smiled. I was three when Daddy and Mommy first took me to the zoo.
I looked out of the window. A few sparrows were chirping on the magnolia tree outside my house. It was a bright day. Even better, it’s a Sunday. It’s always perfect on Sundays.
Suddenly, I heard my parents yelling downstairs. Oh god, they can’t be quarreling again! And today it’s worse than before. Normally Daddy would just keep quiet but today he shouted back at Mommy.
“Look, Lily, I have said what I wanted! It is up to you whether you want to believe me or not! What is wrong with you these days?! I’m sorry Lily, but I can’t take this any longer! THIS ISN’T GOING TO WORK! We have been going on like this for months!”
He stopped for a moment to calm himself.
Finally Daddy whispered, “I think divorce is the only option.”
I heard Mommy sobbing. My heart skipped a beat. For sixteen years, I have not heard Mommy cried even once. To me she had always been a tough woman.
“James, please…”
Then I heard the large oak door of my house slammed shut.
Oh Lord, what was happening?
I quietly opened my door and tiptoed down the stairs. Yes, Mommy was there, standing at the centre of our hallway, with tears down her cheeks.
“Mommy?”
Mommy slowly turned to face me. Her eyes were so red and full of pain and torment. Her body seemed lifeless, as if half her soul had been sucked out.
“Julianna darling, come to Mommy…” It was nearly unintelligible.
I neared Mommy. She immediately pulled ourselves close. Her sobs continued.
“Juli loves Mommy, right? Juli is not going to leave Mommy, right?”
Mommy had never sounded so desperate before. I couldn’t stand hearing her crying. It hurts. But I merely rested my head on her shoulder.
No, Sundays aren’t perfect. They never will be anymore.
I did not say anything. My heart was breaking.
***
The next day in school, everything was a blur. All around me, I saw nothing. Everything people say, made no sense. I only seem to hear distant echoes. My mind was confused. My heart was confused. My whole life was confused. How come these people around me don’t feel anything? What exactly is their problem?
“Juli? Julianna!”
“Huh? What?”
“Juli, are you okay?”
Oh, it’s just my best friend, Lauren.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”
“Don’t lie, Juli. I have been talking since the last 10 minutes. And you don’t seem to be listening?”
“Okay.”
“What do you mean by okay? Juli…What’s wrong? You can tell me anything, kay? I’m here for you.” Lauren touched my hand and smiled.
“No, really. I’m fine.” I forced a smile too.
“It’s lunch now. Let’s go to the cafeteria.”
“Umm, it’s okay. I’ll just go to the library. Sorry, Lauren.”
“Well, if that’s what you want…Promise me you’ll take care, okay?”
“Yeah, sure.”
I was not going to tell anyone anything. No, not even Lauren. I don’t know why. I just don’t want to.
In the library, I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I even forgot the entire periodic table of elements. I was so frustrated until it felt like my head was tearing apart.
I gave up on reading and concentrated on my surroundings.
Madam Smith, the teacher-in-charge, was wearing a light pink cardigan today, unlike her usual ivory one.
They hanged a new picture on the wall on my left. It was a landscape of a countryside.
A few non-fictions were added on the shelf, mostly Jodi Picoult’s.
There’s a new cupboard beside the door. A small one.
“Hey, have you by any chance met the new teacher this morning?”
My attention diverged towards the girl sitting at the table next to me. If I was not mistaken, her name was Stephanie. She had Trig and Literature with me.
“Who? The brunette?” This time her friend, Alicia, answered.
“For your information, her name is Miss Kate. She’s even a counselor.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. She’s quite pretty, though.”
“Yeah. And she’s awesome. She teaches me English, and guess what? She talked to us about celebrities and movies for the whole of first period. She’s the only one who managed to keep me awake and yeah, I’m so gonna enjoy English.”
“That’s not fair!”
Stephanie smirked.
“I told you to take English with me, and you went for French. How can you even follow the class?”
“Il n'est pas si difficile si vous avez de l'intérêt.”
‘It is not that hard if you have the interest.’ I took French lessons for almost a year when I was twelve.
Stephanie’s eyes widened, clearly showing that she had no idea at all of what Alicia was talking about. “Whatever, umm, agriculteur. Wait, it means girl, right?”
“Girl is fille. Agriculteur means a farmer, Steph. Wow, aren’t you just amazing?”
Stephanie sighed. “Fine, I give up.”
A new teacher? I wondered if she teaches Literature. My current lecturer was on maternity leave, and so far no one had replaced her yet.
***
During Physics I felt much more better. At least I can make sense of what Madam Byres was talking about. I had always liked her, and well, I don’t want to sound boastful, but I think I’m one of her favorite students.
“Julianna?”
I immediately looked up. “Yes, Madam Byres?”
“Will you kindly run down to the counseling room and take this document to Miss Kate for me?”
“Miss Kate? The new teacher?”
“Yes, dear.”
“Sure, Madam Byres.”
I walked to her table and she handed me a brown envelope. I was quite thick but not heavy.
All along the way to the counseling room, I thought about my mom. I heard her calling her employer this morning to apply for a 2-day leave. Is she at home now? Is she alright? Is she still crying? What about daddy? Where did he sleep last night?
Will he ever come back?
Did he mean it when he said he wanted a divorce?
What’s going to happen to me?
I could feel clumps in my throat and my eyes getting red. No, I must not cry here. Anywhere but not here. My chest tightened. I kept walking.
Around a minute later I reached the counseling room. I knocked the door and saw through the windows that a young lady was bending and arranging some stuff.
“Hello? I’m Julianna Thompson. I have a document for Miss Kate.”
The lady turned around and smiled at me. She was quite young. Probably not older than 27.
“I am Miss Kate. What can I do for you, Juli?”
Juli? Did she just called me that? No teacher had ever called me by my nickname.
She opened the door. “Come in.”
“It’s okay. This is from…”
That was the moment when I looked into her eyes. It was the most enchanting shade of hazel I had ever seen.
“Madam Byres.” I was mesmerized.
Suddenly those eyes reminded me of my past. Those soft, warm eyes. I remembered my dream on Saturday night. About what Daddy said to Mommy and how I had believed it for 13 years. I remembered the time when Mommy and Daddy bought me Buttercup on my 5th birthday. He was just a pup then. Few years back, the three of us went for a stroll in a nearby park. It was quite chilly and Mommy forgot to bring along her jacket. Then Daddy slowly took off his and wrapped it around Mommy. And I remembered how I used to stare at Mommy and Daddy’s wedding picture. The way they looked at each other was indescribable. The picture was like a fairytale come true. I vowed to myself that one day, my wedding has to be like that too. And I want my husband to love me the way Daddy loved Mommy. Until yesterday.
I couldn’t stop myself. I broke down.
No, I must stop! I did not cry when I fell down and hurt my knee when I was two. I did not cry when the big boys bullied me on my first day of school. I did not cry when Madam Hopkins made me stand in the middle of the field for not bringing my book to school. I will not cry in public and show people my weakness. Especially not in front of a teacher.
But I just kept on crying. The tears kept flowing as if everything stored inside was released all at once.
“Julianna?! Juli, what’s wrong?” Miss Kate panicked.
“Juli!” Then she hugged me tight.
I stiffened.
“Shh..It’s okay, sweetie..It’s okay..”
She gently caressed my hair.
“Everything is fine. Don’t worry, dear…”
What was happening? I don’t ever cry in front of people and here I was, hugging my teacher and pouring everything out. And she’s a stranger to me. A complete stranger.
But her eyes…I felt a connection with her. And I had never needed anyone so badly in my life before. Someone to calm me down and tell me things are alright.
“Don’t cry, Juli. I’m here for you. Here, sit down.”
She sat me on her couch and I continued crying. Thinking that all these were not real. But they were. I trusted Daddy. He was always my hero. But he walked out of the door, just like that. He didn’t even look back. Daddy doesn’t care about us anymore. He doesn’t love me and Mommy anymore.
There was silence except the sound of my sobs. Miss Kate stopped comforting me. She merely stared at me. She didn’t say anything. She just let me go on crying and crying, till my tears dry up. When I finally stopped crying, oh gosh, how relieved I was! It felt like my whole body had lighten.
Miss Kate smiled. “Feeling better now?” She handed me a Kleenex.
I took it and looked down. “I’m sorry.”
“For what, silly? It is normal for us to cry. Crying takes away our pain.”
She’s right. It did.
“Saying what’s in your heart helps too. Is there anything that you would like to share with me?”
I stayed quiet.
After a while she said, “It’s okay. I understand completely. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But I just want you to promise me something.”
I remained silent.
“Promise me that you’ll cry whenever you feel like doing it. Juli?” She made me look into her incredible eyes.
“Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a way of showing yourself that ‘Yes, I’m not ashamed of doing it. And after I did, I’m going to forget everything and begin all over again. I’m going to be strong and brave.’ These two values are not portrayed by how well you control yourself. They are shown by how willing you are to show your emotions.”
I was stunned. Had she read my mind?
“No, I’m not reading your mind. That’s probably what you’re thinking about anyway. I have met a lot of people like you, Juli. But let me tell you this: You’re wrong. I don’t know what problem you’re having but saying it out and allowing your tears to flow really helps. Do you trust me?”
Her soothing voice made its way to my heart. It’s smooth and sweet like a lullaby.
Yes, I do trust her.
“My father left us,” I choked.
This time Miss Kate did not reply, as though she was waiting for me to tell her more, so I did.
“Mom and Dad were always arguing, about everything, anything. But on Sunday…he said it’s over. He said he wanted a divorce and then he just left.”
I started crying again. Oh god, what is wrong with me?
Miss Kate slowly nodded and her eyes grew soft.
“Jules, listen to me, okay?”
I closed my eyes and nodded.
“I know that a divorce is an incredibly difficult thing for you to accept but what do you think your mom would be feeling? You see, marriage is a serious commitment in life. When we get married, we swear to love and will not leave each other ‘Till death do us apart’. I’m sure your parents used to love one another so much that almost nothing can separate them but things change. People change, everything just changes.”
“No..!”
“Wait. I’m not done yet. Throughout the years, lots of problems must have risen. Misunderstandings too. Slowly, love fades. And we just can’t stop that from happening, Juli. Sometimes it’s just meant to be.”
“No, it’s not! Daddy loved Mommy so much! This can’t happen!” I couldn’t believe I yelled at a teacher’s face, but I couldn’t take it any longer.
Miss Kate looked sad. What’s she thinking about?
“Juli…I’m awfully sorry… But this is how it works. Think carefully. Maybe it’s better if they divorce.”
I was about to slap her. “You’re nuts!”
“Think about this, Juli! Do you want your parents to live with someone they don’t no longer love for the rest of their life?!”
I stopped breathing.
“Do you love your parents?” she said slowly and softly.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes! My heart shouted.
“Do you want them to face everyday, the person who once used to be their everything, but now nothing? The one who used to love him or her like there’s no tomorrow, but now they are acting like strangers? There are many things in which we can’t turn back to, and this situation is one of them. Do you have the heart to see them go through this, every single moment?”
I could only cry. I felt hopeless.
“I’m sure it broke your father’s heart to declare a divorce, but I’m sure it hurt him more to argue with the woman of his life all the time. Before all these started, I’m certain that your father had promised to himself that no matter what happens, he’ll protect your mother from pain. But now he’s causing the pain. Your father had no choice. The only way for him to stop hurting your mom is by leaving her.”
The words on my lips froze and died away. I was paralyzed.
Miss Kate hugged me again. “Sweetie, I’m really sorry things had to go this way, but I believe it’s for the best. Do you?” she whispered in my ear.
Now it all made sense. I could finally smile. Daddy did not stop loving Mommy and me, he loved us too much.
I felt embarassed for wetting Miss Kate’s blouse, but I was too happy now.
“Yes, I believe it’s for the best too.”
“Come, let me take a look at you.” She pulled us apart.
She smiled at me. “You’re really pretty, Juli.”
“You have beautiful eyes.” I quickly turned red after realizing I said that to her.
She chuckled. “Well, I don’t want to admit it, but I really love my eyes. Sometimes when I look into the mirror my eyes take me into a fantasy. It’s like I’m flying.” She laughed.
Then I thought back of what Alicia said. She’s wrong. Miss Kate is not just pretty. She’s beautiful.
“So, you’re gonna be alright now?” Miss Kate patted me.
“Yeah, better than ever.” I wasn’t lying. I felt amazing. Free. Nothing like I’ve ever experienced before.
For so many years, I had always kept things to myself. I don’t share much. But then Miss Kate found the key to my heart. Actually, she is the key. She unlocked my heart and took all my burden away. No, even better. She healed it.
I carefully stood up. My knees were wobbly.
“Do you want to go home?” she asked me.
“It’s okay, I better head back to class.”
“Juli? I’m really proud of you. If there’s anything next time, don’t hesitate to come to me, understand?”
I nodded. It’s a promise.
Just before I left the counseling room, I stopped at the door, turned around and called back to her.
“Umm…Miss Kate?”
“Yes, my dear?”
“Thank you.” I whispered.
So, what do you think? I REALLY hope you liked it!
