The only one to blame.

Pathetic.
Yup, that's me.

If you're my friend, don't you DARE start with 'NO! What the hell, Jo Yi??!?' (Sounds a lot like something Baldeep and Dahneersha would probably say :P) Let me explain first okay, dear?

You don't know me. Actually, no one knows me. Not even myself. If you see me in school, I am the mad, funny girl running around in a crazy way saying and crapping crappy things. But that's what you see on the outside. Inside, my mind NEVER shuts up. I'll be thinking of ssssooo many things even I lose track. And they are all bad, dark things. Try having my brain for a day, and you'll judge me in a different way.

Do you know why I said I'm pathetic? Well, I have a solid reason. I have a friend. She is a really nice, interesting and funny girl. She gets her work done, and she loves and cares for her friends. She cries when her friends fight.

And guess what? Sometimes I don't like her.

And that is why I HATE myself.

You know why? Cause I'm sssooo horribly immature I'm probably jealous of her. She's nice. In fact, too nice. All my friends like her more than they like me, placing her first before me. Now I'm always behind. When they tag me in a status on Facebook, my name get tagged last. When there's something - a problem or an event - I get to know it last.

I like her, sure, it's always fun around her and listening to her jokes. I mean it. She looks really pretty when she smiles. But there are moments when I'm not that fond of her. And immediately after that, I felt SO ashamed at myself for having such a dumb feeling. I mean, not so liking your own friend whom you have known for years just because she is a better person than you? That is the worst reason I've ever heard of coming from me. I can't accept it. I can't take having to think of this, to feel this. Because I know that no matter what happens in life you can only blame yourself. That is my principle.

My friends prefer her because yes, she is better than me in practically everything. Blame myself. Who asked me to be such a boring nerd? Who asked me to blurt out everything before I think? Who asked me to always be the annoying one? Who asked me to not know the latest happenings? I can only blame myself when I'm so outdated and begin asking a thousand 'whats' it irritates people. Don't you start on IPhone or Ipad with me, I don't even know how to handle a LAPTOP (Since I use computer, I don't have a lappie) I don't know what's a MacBook. Talking about being outdated, I have only tried playing Plants vs. Zombies AFTER Angry Birds became popular. I'm the blur one. So often. My friends would be talking about softwares and stuff and I all I can think is :'How exactly do they know all these? Why don't I know?' It's seriously depressing.

At least I'm feeling a bit better now. My friend is a nice girl, and it would be a total embarrassment to myself if I feel uncomfortable in her presence JUST because she's lovelier than I am. I admit, I am different from everyone else. My interests are different. I'm always the lame one. I can't take spicy food, I can't swim, I can't run. I say useless things which make people roll their eyes. I don't know how to operate Microsoft Excel and the Movie Maker thingy. I don't even know how to make a slide show.

If I'm someone else, I wouldn't exactly like, well, me, much. Before this I was secretly complaining to myself about why she gets everything and why I'm frequently abandoned. Looks like it's clear now. The problem lies within me. How blind exactly was I?

Before you read this post, my friend, maybe you've never thought that I'm the type of person who would develop such feelings for someone just because I'm not as good as them. But now you know. I'm a hell worse than what you think of me. Believe me.