I feel so guilty.
If you have read my earlier posts, you would know that I have this really close friend. Like a sister. You would know how much she means to me and how much I loved her. But. That was months ago. I'm so awfully sorry. But so many things happened that my inner self changed. I am now...I don't know. Heartless? Yeah, that's the best word. And selfish too. Believe me. You don't know me.
When she was probably my closest friend ever in my life, I wrote an essay about her. Well, it's actually about 'A best friend' but the whole thing was mainly about her. And you know what? It was longer than 2000 words.
That time, I can't deny that she was so important to me that I couldn't imagine my life without her. Literally. I wrote that article with full of emotions. I wrote about how she colored my life and how much I care about her. Well, I was never good at keeping things to myself and finally, I gave the article to her. Till now, she's still having it. And she told me she had read it so many times.
When I saw the article in her file the other day, I was like:"You're still keeping this?" She said:"Of course! It's so sweet!" And then I went through what I wrote few months ago. I was struck. I thought to myself:I used to love her this much? What happened to me? Where did all those feelings went?
My heart has turned into a stone.
When she texted me few days ago:'Iloveyouu', I frozed and replied:'Aww...Why suddenly?'
'It's not sud okay? I always love YOU.'
Oh god, why is this happening to me? I don't want to hurt her but everytime she says that I feel so DAMN guilty. Everything has turned back normal, but...I.Don't.Know. I just don't feel the same way.
Maybe it's because once she was almost my everything. And then the one period when we weren't that close, I mixed around. I became so much closer to many other people. Maybe it's because that the more people I know, the love that I give out is shared. Just like how the bulbs in a series circuit share their voltage. The more bulbs added, the less voltage is received by each of them. I just never thought that it applies to me too.
I seriously don't know what to do. I'd rather face pain, betrayal, humiliation.. Anything but not guilt! Please! I feel like such a jerk. Worse than ever.
I'm sorry, dear. I didn't mean to love you less. But I just did. I'm really sorry for being an a**h**e.
Jo!! Honey, don't feel guilty! You're not heartless. Wan Jo Yi you're the most soulful person I know. And I know you. Jo, I think that you still do love your friend very much. But love changes, as do people. Remember when Bella found out she had a baby, she said that didn't love Edward any less, her heart had just swelled up twice its normal size? Well I think that's what happened to you. You just learnt that love isn't meant to be kept; it's meant to be given away. Jo, humans aren't series circuits, we're parallel, you can keep adding to the circuit but all the bulbs will still shine the same way. I think maybe your perception of yourself has changed. Jo you're a good person who's full of love. You have a heart of gold, diamonds, rubies, sapphires and emeralds. You are not a a**h**e. What is that anyway?
ReplyDeleteI mean it Jo!!!!
ReplyDeleteOwh god...When I write this post, I really really REALLY mean it Bal! Seriously!..And well, it's a bad word..
ReplyDeleteJo, listen. You don't have to feel guilty. Love changes, people change. I'm sure you still care and love your friend. It might be a different kind of love, not necessary a lesser one, yes? Don't beat yourself up over this! You're a good person! And what word??
ReplyDeleteI mean what I say...Really...No Bal, you don't know me. Even I don't know myself. My mind is full of mysteries I myself don't understand. Seriously! Live in my body for one day and you'll know how many things run in my mind...All sorts of things...
ReplyDelete